making up words

i just came up with a new phrase!

word rich

oh yes, it's wonderful
i know

anyway, you know when you're reading something
and have to read it like three times before it will "go down"

then, whatever you are reading is word rich

amazing right?

i have been having the weirdest sensation lately

i'll feel like there's pressure on my throat

and i'll reach up
to brush away my necklace
or my shirt
and there won't be anything there

and it honestly feels like i'm being strangled or something

but only i could be strangled by nothing

insecurities

why am i such a misfit sometimes?

even when i'm surrounded by people i love
i feel like i don't fit in with the picture

looking at those silly pics we took
the three of you looking so gorgeous
you can see your personalities coming right out
and i'm just standing in the background

and when you said that:
"oh i love this picture!...except for gina's face"
i know you were just kidding
but it seemed true
i'm just standing there
and you guys are all making hilarious faces

but that's always been me
i'm the one who's really insecure
the only thing i seem to know how to do
is get good grades
and sometimes
i even fail at that

i'm the one who's afraid to let loose
i get mad about things that others don't care about
my clothes are never quite right
my hair never really doing the right thing
the one who constantly worries about what other people are thinking
why do i just feel different sometimes?
because i know everyone should be different,
but this doesn't feel like a good kind of different

i wish there was something that i could do really well
that other people would be slightly amazed when i told them i could do that
i mean, sure i play violin, but i'm not that great
and no one in school really cares about that because it's not "cool"

that's why i wish my mom would let me take riding lessons
because when you're on a horse
and you're really into it
totally one with the other animal
it is the most amazing feeling in the world
besides, when you're riding, even the smallest accomplishments are big
"wow, you have a great sitting trot,"
"yay! she didn't run you out the door!" (haha, sunny you bad bunny)
"alright, i'm going to trust you cantering alone in the ring"

if i could become really good at riding, that would be a true accomplishment to me
because to me,
that feeling
the barn
the swallows swooping over your head
the smell of hay and horses
the sound of hooves
the feel of the swaying gait

that,
to me,
is
perfect

what do you want to be when you grow up?

i have no idea
honestly
i think it would be amazing to be the following things:
chef,
photographer,
writer

but all anyone seems to think i'm going to be is a teacher
well thanks but after being with our class for four years
i would never ever ever want to be a teacher

but then people say "well teach college"
and i say "well no"

and then mrs. collom is determined that i'm going to become a french teacher
hahahahaha--no

thanks but no thanks
have you seen our french class?
maybe i'll just be one of those people in stores who as soon as you walk in the door go "can i help you? do you need help finding anything? really, i'd love to help i really would"

god those people bother me

the dragon hidden within

"the day was hot so when u got too the pool
i jumped right in. then i realized i still had to
change so i got out. Then my teacher told me
us to come over too her. my legs were so soar
from soccor, but i had to walk over to her..."

reading over her shoulder, i flinched, wanting to rip the keyboard out of her hands. or at least, ask her to print out a fresh copy so that i could edit it, making the marks with a red pen on the clean white paper with the fresh ink.

since i couldn't really do either of those plans of action without people considering me to be a serious mental case, i sighed and looked around. the white walls of the computer lab surrounded me, determined to be compleatly unhelpful. they couldn't provide me with just a single spark of inspiration? jeez, how inconsiderate. they couldn't even make it seem like they were shrinking in around me. you know in books how they say "the walls closed in around me"? well these walls wouldn't even do that, at least that would have been vaguly interesting.

i listened to the seemingly deafening sound of twenty people typing on keyboards at over 30 wpm. wait, make that 29. i stared down at my own hands, which were unmoving.

for the last 15 minutes, my class had been sitting there typing away. we were supposed to be working on either an old memory--which is what Sadie, the girl next to me was writing, "my legs were soar..." i shuddered again at the memory--or we could write a short story. i had opted for the short story, since the ideas usually came out of my head so fast i could barely type them fast enough. but of course, today, the words would not come. all i could think of was that stupid song that Tucker had been singing earlier "i love college." well, he might love college or he might not, i don't know, but i certainly don't love him! or that song. oh well.

i glanced at the clock where my time was ticking away quickly. i looked back at the screen, typed a few words, stared at them, erased them again, and looked at the screen again. what i really wanted to do was write a song. i could hear a new rhythm running through my head right now, the words just waiting to be writted down, wrapping around eachother to form a complex melody.

i heard footsteps behind me. oh crap. my teacher, mrs. fhlam,(pronounced, "flame"--we all called her dragonlady behind her back) had come up behind me, heard me humming my song, and had noticed that there were no words on my paper.

Dragonlady: Gari. (i hate my name. it means "spear maiden." also, it's the feminine form of "Gary!" seriously, how lame do you get?!?"

Me: Mrs. Fhlam.

Dragon: you haven't written anything

Me: I can't think of anything to write about

Dragon: Are you sure? You can't think of a single thing to write about? Are you telling me that your brain is actually compleatly empty? the only thing your brain is causing you to do right now is breath and digest and all that? is that what you're saying? (her dyed red hair is starting to look like flames) i don't think that's possible for your brain to be empty Gari. you're a very smart girl, you just need to apply yourself. (wow, that's original) now, why haven't you written anything?

Me: I can't think of anything to write about.

Dragon: breathing fire now well that's what i'm trying to help you with, all you need is inspiration, what do you usually have as inspiration?

Me: i dunno, things just, kinda, come to me, ya know?

Dragon: no i do not know. you're telling me nothing inspires you? i don't know if that's incredible or just plain sad...

and she's off, she goes on and on. everyone else is giving me fertive looks as if blaming me for getting her going. which is rediculous, i barely even said anything. the dragon doesn't care though, she once gave someone a detention for getting up to throw something away during one of her lectures.

she's finishing up now

dragon (continued): ....everything can affect your decisions, what you wear that day, what you like to eat, even your eye color.

how did we get from my inspiration to my eye color affecting my decisions? i must have missed something.

Me: so i should write a story about my eye color, what i'm wearing and what i like to eat?

dragon: were you listening to me at all?? (fire definetly being breathed now, i even see some smoke)

Me: umm, yeah, you were talking about.....*cough sdvniohsg cough* yeah, see? i was listening.

dragon: Gari Spinner! you know, sometimes i wonder why i even bother. maybe i should give you a detention just for being a smart ass!

everyone stares in wonder. i had actually gotten a teacher to swear at me. i felt honored.

dragon: eyes flaming red, fire coming fast and furious, smoke pouring out her ears, her large dragon wings flapping. people around me have to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by them

you will start writing--now!--or you will get a detention, and if i have to come over here one more time during this period, your parents will hear about it! you have been warned...

she walks away,

i stick my tongue out at her back

i turn around to the computer again, fuming

some guy sitting next to me pokes me in the side and tells me that that was awesome, way worse than he's ever gotten. he's never gotten the dragonlady to swear at him before!

i smile at him

i turn back to my computer

i suddenly find myself to be....inspired...

i start to type

the story is about a huge, evil--and above all--ugly, dragon. the dragon has captured a village of innocent townsfolk, and keeps them in terror throughout the year, screaming, flapping her wings, breathing fire down upon them.....

i hate:

i hate feeling left out
i hate feeling like a jerk
i hate not knowing what to do
i hate not feeling like myself

i hate i hate i hate

i hate being insecure
i hate swearing
i hate that fake punching noise in movies

i hate i hate i hate

i hate missing people (i'd rather they were just with me)
i hate not being missed
i hate trying to be someone i'm not
i hate feeling jealous

i hate i hate i hate

sometimes i hate everyone!!!





but most of all...myself

going to boston (again)

wow, i haven't written in a while


and the sad thing is that you guys probably don't care
haha

no, but i just wanted to say that i havne't been writing cause there hasn't been anything to write about. well, that's not strictly true, there's been stuff, but not stuff i can put in here cause it would make people annoyed/mad at me

people say i'm nice
but i'm not

so i just haven't been writing much lately
i've been reading people's posts tho!
haha, staying up with all the latest drama in peoples lives

seriously, sometimes i feel like a stalker when i read these cause i don't even talk to some of you at school or anything

but oh well

man this was supposed to be short
but it's turning into me rambling
which probably isn't very interesting for you guys

ok, well now i'm being yelled at by my mom and i have to go
so i'll see/talk to you guys later
abiento mes amis!

sometimes, i hate the human race

we're so mean
we're hypocritical
we lie
we kill
we tease until we torture
we're imperfect
we hurt eachother
physically and emotionally

we're crazy

and i have to include myself in that "we"