insecurities

why am i such a misfit sometimes?

even when i'm surrounded by people i love
i feel like i don't fit in with the picture

looking at those silly pics we took
the three of you looking so gorgeous
you can see your personalities coming right out
and i'm just standing in the background

and when you said that:
"oh i love this picture!...except for gina's face"
i know you were just kidding
but it seemed true
i'm just standing there
and you guys are all making hilarious faces

but that's always been me
i'm the one who's really insecure
the only thing i seem to know how to do
is get good grades
and sometimes
i even fail at that

i'm the one who's afraid to let loose
i get mad about things that others don't care about
my clothes are never quite right
my hair never really doing the right thing
the one who constantly worries about what other people are thinking
why do i just feel different sometimes?
because i know everyone should be different,
but this doesn't feel like a good kind of different

i wish there was something that i could do really well
that other people would be slightly amazed when i told them i could do that
i mean, sure i play violin, but i'm not that great
and no one in school really cares about that because it's not "cool"

that's why i wish my mom would let me take riding lessons
because when you're on a horse
and you're really into it
totally one with the other animal
it is the most amazing feeling in the world
besides, when you're riding, even the smallest accomplishments are big
"wow, you have a great sitting trot,"
"yay! she didn't run you out the door!" (haha, sunny you bad bunny)
"alright, i'm going to trust you cantering alone in the ring"

if i could become really good at riding, that would be a true accomplishment to me
because to me,
that feeling
the barn
the swallows swooping over your head
the smell of hay and horses
the sound of hooves
the feel of the swaying gait

that,
to me,
is
perfect