i can't, i'm sorry

i'm sorry
screw it
i can't write on blog without going all negative
if i do try to write something happy, it's boring
and i'm sick and tired of being negative
it just ruins everything
it's like smoking
it ruins not just you, but the people around you too

coming back

ok, i'm getting back to blog now
not that anyone cares
but i'm going to start writing again...i think

see, there were two things about blog that made me stop writing:
1. everybody is really negative
(and i'm including myself in that so don't get touchy)
2. i makes me very self centered
in fact, my next blog is not going to include the words "i" or "me" in it at all.

i've been thinking for a while about how to say this
and this is what i've come up with:

you wouldn't know how it feels to feel second-best would you?
because people are too afraid of making you upset to put you in that position
but you put other people--(me)--in that position ALL THE TIME
and let me tell you
IT SUCKS!
but you wouldn't know that would you?

and i've got one more thing to say:
SCREW YOU

yup

why is it

that some of the most beautiful moments

are the ones when you don't have a camera?

and again...

and again i check my blog

and again
NO FRICKIN COMMENTS!

funny thoughts

Are children who act in rated 'R' movies allowed to see them?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there ... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

Who was the person who discovered that you can actually eat artichokes?

Can you get cornered in a round room?

If an atheist has to go to court, do they make him swear on the Bible?

How come we say 'It's colder than hell outside' when isn't it realistically always colder than hell since hell is supposed to be fire and brimstone?

Why are people so scared of mice, yet we all love Mickey Mouse?

Isn't it funny how the word 'politics' is made up of the words 'poli' meaning 'many' in Latin, and 'tics' as in 'bloodsucking creatures’?

Do they have girl’s bathrooms in gay bars?

If the president were gay, would his husband be the first man?

and finally, my personal favorite:

God bless athiests!

why why why

sometimes i feel so left out it's not even funny
no one tells me stuff anymore
i feel left out with my friends

people get the totally wrong impression of me
just because i get good grades and like to read
doesn't mean i can't have fun
watch your words
they hurt more than you know
i feel left out with my peers

"haha, that was so funny,"
"i owe him some money"
why is that ok in 8th grade? tell me please
i feel left out, in a different mindset

"what's wrong? tell me"
suddenly, i'm left out of everything
"i'm fine, it's nothing"
but it is something

i try to be steadfast
like a rock, constantly slammed by the waves
but sometimes it feels like those waves
are crumbling me down
bit by bit

why can't things stay the same
why do they have to change?
why why why?

an edit

alex:
i have to edit the comment i wrote on your blog about fav bands
here are mine:
jack johnson (even tho he's not really a band, he's only one person)
coldplay
beatles

Do you ever get that feeling?

That you just want to meet someone new?
even if you don't want to be bffs
just someone new
to have a good time with
to hang out with
just for a little while
and then maybe you'll have a nice memory to hang onto for a while

something to think about when you're mad about everything
"hmm, that was fun, i wonder where that person is right now?"

i want to meet new people
i want to expand the horizon
i want to expand my horizon
i want to be me again
i want to be out of middle school
i want to feel original
like i once did

i want a lot of things

I'm not sure I want to do this anymore

Comment Moderation

hahahaha
love it

sorry that was random

making up words

i just came up with a new phrase!

word rich

oh yes, it's wonderful
i know

anyway, you know when you're reading something
and have to read it like three times before it will "go down"

then, whatever you are reading is word rich

amazing right?

i have been having the weirdest sensation lately

i'll feel like there's pressure on my throat

and i'll reach up
to brush away my necklace
or my shirt
and there won't be anything there

and it honestly feels like i'm being strangled or something

but only i could be strangled by nothing

insecurities

why am i such a misfit sometimes?

even when i'm surrounded by people i love
i feel like i don't fit in with the picture

looking at those silly pics we took
the three of you looking so gorgeous
you can see your personalities coming right out
and i'm just standing in the background

and when you said that:
"oh i love this picture!...except for gina's face"
i know you were just kidding
but it seemed true
i'm just standing there
and you guys are all making hilarious faces

but that's always been me
i'm the one who's really insecure
the only thing i seem to know how to do
is get good grades
and sometimes
i even fail at that

i'm the one who's afraid to let loose
i get mad about things that others don't care about
my clothes are never quite right
my hair never really doing the right thing
the one who constantly worries about what other people are thinking
why do i just feel different sometimes?
because i know everyone should be different,
but this doesn't feel like a good kind of different

i wish there was something that i could do really well
that other people would be slightly amazed when i told them i could do that
i mean, sure i play violin, but i'm not that great
and no one in school really cares about that because it's not "cool"

that's why i wish my mom would let me take riding lessons
because when you're on a horse
and you're really into it
totally one with the other animal
it is the most amazing feeling in the world
besides, when you're riding, even the smallest accomplishments are big
"wow, you have a great sitting trot,"
"yay! she didn't run you out the door!" (haha, sunny you bad bunny)
"alright, i'm going to trust you cantering alone in the ring"

if i could become really good at riding, that would be a true accomplishment to me
because to me,
that feeling
the barn
the swallows swooping over your head
the smell of hay and horses
the sound of hooves
the feel of the swaying gait

that,
to me,
is
perfect

what do you want to be when you grow up?

i have no idea
honestly
i think it would be amazing to be the following things:
chef,
photographer,
writer

but all anyone seems to think i'm going to be is a teacher
well thanks but after being with our class for four years
i would never ever ever want to be a teacher

but then people say "well teach college"
and i say "well no"

and then mrs. collom is determined that i'm going to become a french teacher
hahahahaha--no

thanks but no thanks
have you seen our french class?
maybe i'll just be one of those people in stores who as soon as you walk in the door go "can i help you? do you need help finding anything? really, i'd love to help i really would"

god those people bother me

the dragon hidden within

"the day was hot so when u got too the pool
i jumped right in. then i realized i still had to
change so i got out. Then my teacher told me
us to come over too her. my legs were so soar
from soccor, but i had to walk over to her..."

reading over her shoulder, i flinched, wanting to rip the keyboard out of her hands. or at least, ask her to print out a fresh copy so that i could edit it, making the marks with a red pen on the clean white paper with the fresh ink.

since i couldn't really do either of those plans of action without people considering me to be a serious mental case, i sighed and looked around. the white walls of the computer lab surrounded me, determined to be compleatly unhelpful. they couldn't provide me with just a single spark of inspiration? jeez, how inconsiderate. they couldn't even make it seem like they were shrinking in around me. you know in books how they say "the walls closed in around me"? well these walls wouldn't even do that, at least that would have been vaguly interesting.

i listened to the seemingly deafening sound of twenty people typing on keyboards at over 30 wpm. wait, make that 29. i stared down at my own hands, which were unmoving.

for the last 15 minutes, my class had been sitting there typing away. we were supposed to be working on either an old memory--which is what Sadie, the girl next to me was writing, "my legs were soar..." i shuddered again at the memory--or we could write a short story. i had opted for the short story, since the ideas usually came out of my head so fast i could barely type them fast enough. but of course, today, the words would not come. all i could think of was that stupid song that Tucker had been singing earlier "i love college." well, he might love college or he might not, i don't know, but i certainly don't love him! or that song. oh well.

i glanced at the clock where my time was ticking away quickly. i looked back at the screen, typed a few words, stared at them, erased them again, and looked at the screen again. what i really wanted to do was write a song. i could hear a new rhythm running through my head right now, the words just waiting to be writted down, wrapping around eachother to form a complex melody.

i heard footsteps behind me. oh crap. my teacher, mrs. fhlam,(pronounced, "flame"--we all called her dragonlady behind her back) had come up behind me, heard me humming my song, and had noticed that there were no words on my paper.

Dragonlady: Gari. (i hate my name. it means "spear maiden." also, it's the feminine form of "Gary!" seriously, how lame do you get?!?"

Me: Mrs. Fhlam.

Dragon: you haven't written anything

Me: I can't think of anything to write about

Dragon: Are you sure? You can't think of a single thing to write about? Are you telling me that your brain is actually compleatly empty? the only thing your brain is causing you to do right now is breath and digest and all that? is that what you're saying? (her dyed red hair is starting to look like flames) i don't think that's possible for your brain to be empty Gari. you're a very smart girl, you just need to apply yourself. (wow, that's original) now, why haven't you written anything?

Me: I can't think of anything to write about.

Dragon: breathing fire now well that's what i'm trying to help you with, all you need is inspiration, what do you usually have as inspiration?

Me: i dunno, things just, kinda, come to me, ya know?

Dragon: no i do not know. you're telling me nothing inspires you? i don't know if that's incredible or just plain sad...

and she's off, she goes on and on. everyone else is giving me fertive looks as if blaming me for getting her going. which is rediculous, i barely even said anything. the dragon doesn't care though, she once gave someone a detention for getting up to throw something away during one of her lectures.

she's finishing up now

dragon (continued): ....everything can affect your decisions, what you wear that day, what you like to eat, even your eye color.

how did we get from my inspiration to my eye color affecting my decisions? i must have missed something.

Me: so i should write a story about my eye color, what i'm wearing and what i like to eat?

dragon: were you listening to me at all?? (fire definetly being breathed now, i even see some smoke)

Me: umm, yeah, you were talking about.....*cough sdvniohsg cough* yeah, see? i was listening.

dragon: Gari Spinner! you know, sometimes i wonder why i even bother. maybe i should give you a detention just for being a smart ass!

everyone stares in wonder. i had actually gotten a teacher to swear at me. i felt honored.

dragon: eyes flaming red, fire coming fast and furious, smoke pouring out her ears, her large dragon wings flapping. people around me have to jump out of the way to avoid being hit by them

you will start writing--now!--or you will get a detention, and if i have to come over here one more time during this period, your parents will hear about it! you have been warned...

she walks away,

i stick my tongue out at her back

i turn around to the computer again, fuming

some guy sitting next to me pokes me in the side and tells me that that was awesome, way worse than he's ever gotten. he's never gotten the dragonlady to swear at him before!

i smile at him

i turn back to my computer

i suddenly find myself to be....inspired...

i start to type

the story is about a huge, evil--and above all--ugly, dragon. the dragon has captured a village of innocent townsfolk, and keeps them in terror throughout the year, screaming, flapping her wings, breathing fire down upon them.....

i hate:

i hate feeling left out
i hate feeling like a jerk
i hate not knowing what to do
i hate not feeling like myself

i hate i hate i hate

i hate being insecure
i hate swearing
i hate that fake punching noise in movies

i hate i hate i hate

i hate missing people (i'd rather they were just with me)
i hate not being missed
i hate trying to be someone i'm not
i hate feeling jealous

i hate i hate i hate

sometimes i hate everyone!!!





but most of all...myself

going to boston (again)

wow, i haven't written in a while


and the sad thing is that you guys probably don't care
haha

no, but i just wanted to say that i havne't been writing cause there hasn't been anything to write about. well, that's not strictly true, there's been stuff, but not stuff i can put in here cause it would make people annoyed/mad at me

people say i'm nice
but i'm not

so i just haven't been writing much lately
i've been reading people's posts tho!
haha, staying up with all the latest drama in peoples lives

seriously, sometimes i feel like a stalker when i read these cause i don't even talk to some of you at school or anything

but oh well

man this was supposed to be short
but it's turning into me rambling
which probably isn't very interesting for you guys

ok, well now i'm being yelled at by my mom and i have to go
so i'll see/talk to you guys later
abiento mes amis!

sometimes, i hate the human race

we're so mean
we're hypocritical
we lie
we kill
we tease until we torture
we're imperfect
we hurt eachother
physically and emotionally

we're crazy

and i have to include myself in that "we"

jack johnson

he is probably my favorite singer/songwriter
his words are so true
and i know that's cheesy but it's also true

i just bought his new album
"sleep through the static"
and there was this one line that just rang so true to me
and i don't even know if i interpreted it right
but i don't care

"Nobody really knows
But underneath it all
There's this heart all alone
What about when it's gone?
It really won't be so long
Sometimes it feels like a heart
Is no place to be singing from at all"

somtimes that's just the way i feel about everything
like eventually it's all going to gone
and whether what you do is from the heart or not,
in the long run
is it really going to matter?

because eventually everything, this entire universe is going to be sucked into the black hole at the center. and then everything is going to be gone
so what does it matter?

haha, ok ummm

yeah so i just reread that last post
and i realized that it sounds really emo

don't worry
I'M NOT CUTTING!
i'm talking about something compleatly different

feeling the pressure

feeling the pressure
bearing down
forcing my spine it seems

i don't know what to do
i don't know when to stop
i don't know when i've gone too far

i don't have many examples
to help show me the way
i wish i had someone
who i could follow

i'm getting different feedback
from everyone
and i'm getting so confused
i don't know what to do

my opinion

ok, i don't know what type of comments i'm going to get on this
but i just wanted to talk about some of my views and opinions on certain things
like, controversial things
like, political things
kindof,
so here goes:

1. abortions
i do believe in abortions
yes i do
i think that it's easy to say "just put the baby up for adoption" but like most things, that's easier said than done. because often times, adoption is not good. some children who have been adopted grow up feeling like no one wants them or have lingering insecurities because they believe that their true parents never wanted them
i just think that adoption is not always the answer.
also, what if the girl was raped, and gets pregnant from it. would you want to have to have the memory of that awful experience for nine months?
another thing, if you believe that it's "taking away a life," here's what i think, it's a life that hasn't even been experienced yet. unborn babies don't have any memories, they can't feel things yet. so (and i know this sounds cruel but...) it just doesn't seem like you're really killing something, if it hasn't ever even breathed. i know that sounds kindof heartless but i'm just saying, to me it would be more sad if a ten-year old died not an unborn baby.

2. gay/lesbian marriage
agian, i believe in this
i seriously don't even care
if you've found someone that you're happy with, you should be able to spend your life together just like any other happy couple
i have absolutely no problem at all with gay people and in fact, i think it's great that people are finally more able to talk about it openly.
i admit though, i do get a little bit weirded out by like transvestites and people who have had like surguries and stuff. and that man who was a woman who had a child...that's just weird.
but gay people i'm fine with! haha

yeah, idk if you agree with me or not
these are just some things i've been thinking about recently
don't get mad at me if you dno't agree! they're just my opinions!

not knowing

not knowing what to do
looking out on all the suffering
no ideas come to mind
crazy crazy

can't do the simplest things anymore
can't tie my shoes
can't write in cursive
can't write at all

losing sight
losing sound
fall back
on the ground

finding nothing
finding no one
bottom line...not finding at all

losing it all
losing it fast
and there's nothing i can do
about that

confusion sucks
i wish i always knew what was going on
i wish i was still friends with all the people i've ever been friends with
i wish i was a nicer person
i wish that i could be with someone forever
i wish that i could end all the pain in the world
i wish that people would look up to me
i wish that i could make people care
i wish that i could stop global warming
i wish that there was a cure for cancer
i wish that everyone could figure out their disagreements
i wish i could make a difference
i wish i could make a change

breaking free

i felt like i hadn't written in a while

and then the other day

i came on

and made a bunch of random poems

and they didn't really make sense

even to me

but i liked them

they were fun to make

and then afterwards

it felt renewing

just, idk

i felt so happy

interesting how writing a simple combination of words

can make you feel so good

i think i am loosing my grip

on reality

i need to write

i'm not the same person i once was

and it's scaring me

i don't know how to deal

i don't know what caused the change

and worst of all,

i don't know how to go back

another poem?

i'm not really sure

irony?

ephonocentric

centripital force

spirals

logonoethnic

flies

flying

train...of thought

blond hair

blue eyes

scooters

the end

what the...?

i have no idea what that was

but i'm going to call it a poem

crazy crazy

crazy crazy fight night
bright lights
happy crowds

sound

BOOM!
Cheers
"hello, would you like to join..."
"hotdogs, one dollar per pound people, one dollar!"
don't ask where those have been

haha
happy laughter
spirals through the air
borne high
on crazy crazy
happy atmosphere
of fight night

going, going, gone

it really bothers me sometimes
how i log on
with ideas swirling in my head

wanting to be written down
captured

and the second i click the "new post" button
they're gone
spiraling off
to be thought of later

but they're never there when you actually have any need to write about them

Mayhem Poets

So, our class went to see these guys today
at the Flynn
and they were AWESOME!

seriously i thought they were so cool
they weren't lame and boring,
they were cool,
they talked the way we did
they were funny
they were interesting

i wish i could do stuff like that

like that violinist
i wish i could play like him
cause that was frickin amazing
no joke

so yeah,
i pretty much am in love with them now
and so if you ever get the opportunity to go and see them
take that opportunity

wishing

i wish that i could be the type of person
that when you see them
you think
"wow, i wish i could be like them"

i wish i could be the type of person
that people couldn't take their eyes off of
not because i was amazingly gorgeous or anything
just because i looked interesting
like someone you'd want to know

i wish i could be the type of person
who could inspire others to choose the right path
could inspire others to live their life the fullest
because they wanted to do what i do

i wish i could be the type of person
who takes the first leap
not the one
who's afraid of falling

i wish i could be the type of person
who could live their life
without giving a damn
about what other people think of them
not the one
who does everything
in hopes that it will please others

i wish i could be the type of person
who could face their fears
and let out their emotions
and live their life
free of regret

i wish i could be the type of person
that everyone looks up to

yes

yes aiden, i am italian

just out of curiosity...

hey guys, do me a favor
if you will
would you comment on this post
if you read all my posts?

i'm just wondering,
who actually reads it

the changeling

i watched this movie last night

it was very good
i wont deny that

but it was soooo creepy
i won't give it away in case you ever see it
but when you do
please remember that it was based on a true story
aaaaaaa!!!!
never listen to strangers
who drive up next to you in trucks

listen to women
we are just as important as men
and we do not deserve to be treated
the way we were treated in the 20's

police departments are not always right
and remember to speak up
when you see them making a mistake
but first, make sure you have some backup

lastly, there are some really creepy people in this world
avoid them if at all possible
the things they do...
avoid axes and abandoned ranches

that if my advice to you after watching that movie
creepy...but good

love...?

im getting a little sick
of everyone saying
that you're too young to be in love

and i'm not even saying that i am in love
maybe i am, maybe i'm not
but i kinda think that that's mine to decide
not yours
and you can't know how i'm feeling

the way i think of it
i think that there's a lot of different kinds of love
and a lot of different levels

like, there's true love
which, let's face it, hardly anyone ever finds

and then there's a crush
cause crushes can be more than just attraction sometimes

what i have right now
definetly isn't true love
but it's certainly a few more levels down than a crush

so yes, in a way
it is love
so stop telling me that it isn't
and let my feelings
tell me what to feel

what an honor's student does in her free time

this morning, i woke up at 11:30
i stumbled downstairs
and decided to practice the violin

i let the dogs out while i practiced
so they wouldn't bug me
now, i'm playing along
and lily comes back
i let her in

start playing again
half an hour later
ti is still outside
i go out and call him
there is no responce
i have no idea where he is

i go back inside,
and start to worry
most normal people would think
"he'll come back,
he's just out exploring"

not me

i have to start imagining that he's out in the woods somewhere
stuck in some hole
with a broken leg or something

so i pull on my sister's boots
over my pajames
put on my peacoat
wrap in a scarf
and go outside
to look for him
while looking like a complete idiot myself

i can't find him
i troop around in a foot of snow for a while
and then come back inside
i'm flipping out now
i go back outside
and whistle and call for him

still nothing

finaly, fifteen minutes later
he shows up
i'm overjoyed to see him
and smother him in a giant hug
then start yelling my head off at him

bipolar much?
yeah, i know

later:
now i decide to start doing my laundry
so i gather up all my dirty clothes
and trundle (haha, that's a cool word)
them downstairs to the basement
put them in
set the washer to:
load size: medium
water temp: cold
wash time: 10 minutes

i go back upstairs
and decide i want to get dressed
i'm still in my pajamas
then i realize
oh wait, i just put all my clothes
IN THE WASHER!

so all i have is like one shirt that i did yesterday
and a pile of clean socks

yeah, not very helpful

ok, so i don't even know why i wrote this
i was bored ok?
and i thought you might be interested
actually, it's ok, i know you aren't

maybe i'll call this:
what an honor's student does in her free time
yeah i like that

controversy

so i know this is a really controversial thing
but i was watching Secret Life of the American Teenager
the other day
and i was thinking
that they really should make a movie or tv show
maybe a movie
about a girl who gets pregnant as a teenager
and chooses to get an abortion
because that must be just as hard in some ways
as actually having the baby in the first place
so yeah, i know that was kindof random
but i just thought that they should do that
but that's just me

i haven't been feeling like myself lately
the things that used to make me happy
don't
and the things that used to annoy me
i could care less

i don't know what it is
the world seems like it's moving at a faster pace
than i am

an i don't know what to do
when all of you are moving so fast
that you're a blur
and i'm still trying to get to the end of the week

idk why i'm feeling like this
totally different from how i usually am
in other words
i mean, i made up a song today
and i don't sing
i don't even know if i like the song
but the fact that i made one up
is weird

i think i need olivia
to be here with me
helping me live my life
instead of down under
in overrated mexico

change

i hate that word sometimes

and i hate what it brings with it

sometimes good and sometimes bad

i wish things always stayed the same

it would be so less confusing

to try to life your life

Abe Lincoln

Abraham Lincoln

he is now,
officialy,
my hero

seriously, he was an amazing man
and didn't deserve to die when he did

you rock man
happy 200th!

leave us alone!

today,
that was totally uncalled for

maybe you thought it was funny
you were just playing around

but put yourself in my position
of having everyone
laughing at you

at you
not with you

if you were in that position
you wouldn't like it either
so back off
and don't put others
where you wouldn't want to be yourself

teenagers

i've heard it described as a roller coaster
one minute you're up
the next you're down

and i always thought
that's silly
your emotions don't change that fast
but they do

one minute i feel happy
compleatly sure of my friends
myself
everything

the next i'm worried that i care more for others
than they do for me
i'm filled with doubt
worries
insecurities
annoyances

and let me tell you one thing
i absolutely hate it

hmm,

wow

that was depressing

no happy endings

the girl races down the path
her hair flying behind her
skirt flapping around her knees
bare feet hitting the earth in a dull rhythm

she turns a corner
the woods are all around her
she can't hear anyone
no sound of human life

perfect
peaceful

she can feel herself slowing
her muscles screaming for rest
she must have been running for at least ten minutes
only a little farther

she pushes onward
unwilling to let her tired legs slow
or her aching feet falter
in their pounding rhythm

another minute ticks by
and another

she rounds another corner
and sees lightening ahead of her
a clearing coming up
finally
she's almost there

she runs the last few steps
and the path comes out of the woods
showing instead
a small pond
small,
but deep
she can see the weeds growing on the pond

there is a small, old dock
streatching out into the pond
this is what she runs to
unhesitatingly, she runs to the end of the dock

here,
finally
she stops
poised on the edge
about to fall
but holding herself back

she stands there
frozen
for one more moment
before swinging her arms up and over
and diving into the pond
she comes up for air again
the cool water clearing her head

her feet are burning
after the heat of excersizing
and then the cold water
but she doesn't care

she floats on top of the water
staring at the sky
the white clouds
drifting across the vast expanse
calming
soothing

she lies there for hours
her hair spread out around her
watching as the sun gets lower
and lower
wishing she didn't have to go back
to her house
her family and friends
her life

after a long while
she decides she must go back
before leaving
she flips
and does a surface dive
comes back up
does another
deeper this time
and deeper still
pushing herself ever further
her heart beating
her ears ringing with the silence of the water
she is in among the weeds now
but she is not scared
they are calm and green

swaying gently back and forth

she waves her hand
and makes them swirl around
caught in the currents
her motion created
she laughs to herself
down there
in the weeds and the water
at how silly
all her worries seem
now that she is here
he lungs are starting to hurt
so she goes to push herself back up
to the surface
and the oxygen

she kicks off the bottom of the pond
reaching for the light
when she feels something tug at her arm

a weed
has wrapped around her hand and arm
trapping her in the cold water

lungs aching now
she goes to brush the weed away
only to find
that it's not just one weed
but many
that have been tangled together
into a giant knot

she tries harder now
to rip them off
her lungs burning in her chest

and in a moment of derision
she thinks to herself how perfect this would be
to have her end be here
locked in a web
which she found herself caught in
just like the web of lies
and drama
and pain
and love
that her life has been made up of

the thought passes
and she is truly worried
her lungs are killing her
crying out with their need for air
cursing to herself
she kicks at the weeds
and her foot gets stuck in the soft silt
at the bottom of the pond

slowly
she can feel herself getting dizzy
her brain's need for oxygen
outweighing her need to focus
to break free of this mess

slowly
her eyes close
seemingly unable to keep open any longer
in her head she is screaming
but her body
is slowing
shutting down

and quietly
her final action
her lips open
and her dying lungs
take one last inhale

sealing her fate
as the water rushes in

olivia

liv
i have to tell you
that i love you soooo much

and that was exactly what i needed

i seriously almost started to cry when i read it
i'm not even kidding

and i have to tell you
that you are one of the most amazing friends
that i have ever had
or will ever have
just as we've always been there for you
you've always been there for us
and it's the greatest feeling in the world
knowing that someone will always care
about whether you're feeling down
or feeling on top of the world
i've always loved how we can be super goofy when we're together (well, well, i'll pour lipgloss in your ear!)
or we can be serious
and just talk and talk
remember that time that i came over
and we talked for hours
it was like 8:00
you're parents still hadn't come home yet
and we were still talking
i've had the best times with you
making some messed up chocolate chip cookies
and trying (and failing) to make crepes
walking down to the green grocers
to buy potatoes
and walking up to buy some candy instead
i love how we just get eachother
that day when i found you by the tree
we didn't even need to say anything
we just sat there
and watched the sun
going off on our own train of thought
i just knew that you didn't really want to talk right then
just wanted to think about things
and so we did

those are just a handful of the things that i love about you
my amazing
hilarious
smart
gorgeous (yeah, i said it!)
friend

forever

sometimes...

sometimes,
i wish i wasn't so easily swayed
i wish that i could hold onto my own thoughts
because a lot of the time
i feel like i agree too quickly
and end up saying things
that i later regret

things about people that i actually like
but when i'm talking to someone
and they say something mean about the person
i immediately start in
i don't know what's wrong

liv, you're not a bitch
i'm a bitch

i know what they always say

i know what they always say
that guys aren't the most important thing in life
but i don't care

because before this
i was the most bored i've ever been in my entire four years of middle school
and now, instead of waiting impatiently for the weekend
it's monday i can't wait for

when i can walk in
see your face
and know that you're mine

i also know that this is the cheesiest blog i've ever written
but what the hell
it's also compleatly true
<3

mitchelldavis(again)

you know what?
mitchell is right
most sequels are never as good as the first time

the best

here are a few of my favorite mitchell davis videos:

(if you don't know who that is, well, watch and find out)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kliWSCwhPyE&feature=channel_page
this one is really cool, i don't know how he did it or what he did but it's awesome

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFDbEpRitAg&feature=channel_page
probably my all time favorite

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xd4s66qANj8&NR=1
love the part in the middle where he's wearing the mustache

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0emjCZJVuA&feature=channel_page
"nobody listens to me"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lulO3sIfsIM
the best of mitchell davis (it's missing a few of my fav moments but...whatcha gonna do?)

yeah, so, um, i hope you enjoy these
i know i do

wow, i spend waaaayy too much time on youtube
i just realized that
wow
yeah
ok, i'm just going to stop now
as in right now
right NOW!
ok seriously just stop typing!!!!!
gaaaah!

wondering

sometimes i wonder why i even bother
to write these blogs

i write nice things about my friends
hopeing that they'll read them
and feel good inside

but no one ever does seem to read them
and i have to wonder

why i even bother

staring into space...and seeing a whole heck of a lot

sitting next to my window
wrapped up a blanket
cup of tea in my hands
peaceful

waiting for something to happen
anything
but nothing ever does
the days drag on
slow, lifeless
heartrendingly boring

wishing
for snow to pile high enough
to cover up my window
at at the same time
for it to be sunny enough
to melt all the snow on the ground

yes i'm sitting, waiting, wishing
but i don't really know what for.

*click*

what is wrong with me?
i don't even know

it's become an obsession
what do i say
what i do i do
where do i carry out these plans

i log on facebook
and the first thing i do
i look for your name in the chat list

i want to talk to you all the time
and then, when i finally get my chance
i can't think of the things i wanted to say

i was so unsure
and then suddenly

something clicked

this one's for the girls

so, all of my girlfriends have been seeming a bit down lately
so i've decided to write each of you something
in the hopes that everything will work out soon
in a way that makes everyone happy:

savanah:
i don't know you all that well
but it seems like you've been needing to talk to someone
i hope you find someone you can trust
and that will give you good advice
i would recommend a dog or a cat
as they are great listeners
but they aren't so great with the advice part

maddy:
it seems like you haven't been so confident lately
and have been having some insecurities
(don't we all)
but take it from me:
you're beautiful

cassidy:
i'm so glad
that you can finally be with a guy
that you really like
and who really likes you
i hope we can all be so lucky

erica:
if you stick it out for this one year
you'll get to have the antidote for your disease
every
single
day
next year
i love you!

myzee:
i'm sorry
i know things haven't been going your way lately
but maybe now you can talk to him
and just be friends for right now
and wait it out
and then try things again

alita:
i hope you're having a good time at ski school
we're all missing you at school
it's so different without you
it was good to see you at the dance!

helen:
i hope this time ends up being real
or if not this one
that you'll find the real one soon

nicole:
i love you sooo much
we all do
and i'm glad that your life is finally settling down
and maybe becoming a little brighter?

olivia:
you're one of my best friends in the whole wide world
i love you sooooo much!
i would never want you to be on the sidelines of my life
i would never hate you
and i hope you would never hate me
we really need to have a talking shesh soon (really soon!)
and i wrote back btw

i love you all guys
and each one of you is amazing
i know life has it's ups and downs
but you'll live through em'
and your friends will always be by your side

kathy i love you

kathy i just wanted to say:
THAT I LOVE YOU!
you are gorgeous
don't ever doubt it
any time i need to talk to someone
i think of you

i hate calling people
i'm always afraid that i'll get their parents
and have to talk to them
but with you
i love your family too
so i dial your number without hesitation

you always seem to care
about what i say
even if you're totally not paying any attention to me
it seems like you are
and that's what counts :)

you're the first person i had a phone conversation
that lasted over a half an hour with
yes
you were
and i know that's kindof sad
but it's true
sad but true

and you always make me feel better
whether you're singing a really stupid song
or we're having a serious conversation
you always seem to get what i'm talking about

so i just wanted this to be about you
to be an inspiration to you
and i will love you forever!!

to: one of my bff's

lost

i came onto blogger today
wanting to spill...
about everything
about last night
and as soon as i logged on
and clicked that promising button "New Post"
i couldn't think of the right words
to say what i wanted to say
and also, i'm not entirely sure
that i want everyone to know
what i was thinking last night

i really wish i could talk to my friends
but they're probably sick of hearing about it
and it's not really them...that i need to talk to right now

i'm going to say that....
it felt...good... last night
being in your arms
and two of my major worries went away

but another one came up
because as i was standing there
trying to do my part
talking with someone else
his unexpected, almost agressive questions
confused me even more

sometimes i wish...
i don't even know what i wish for
that everything would work out fine?
but i've come to think that's an impossibility now
there are two many variables in this equation
the answer can never be something neat like: x=a
instead the equation looks like this:
-s(g-10t)-9mu(14k+7a)
with the entire thing divided by the square root of pi times 5
and the final result cubed within an inch of it's life

yep, right now
-s(g-10t)-9mu(14k+7a)
divided by the square root of pi times 5
and cubed=my life

why

why does only one person ever comment on my blogs?

says the girl who never comments on anyone else's

inspired by nicole

Nicole, because of your post i have decided to post my horoscope
well, actually, it's not my horoscope
it's just what your personality is supposed to be like
based on your zodiac sign
it's actually fairly accurate:

Iam: Gemini, the twins
Gemini's are the original free spirits of the zodiac,
(huh?)
and sometimes it seems like they can be in two places at once!
They usually have sensitive, expressive hands
with slim fingers
They make a lot of noise (only occasionally)
have boundless physical energy, (mm, not quite)
and are frequently late for appointments (yes! Yes yes yes!)
Geminis are friendly, inquisitive, clever, have vivid imaginations
and they usually love to read and share ideas with others
Foreign languages come easily to them
but they need to learn to be patient and not give up on difficult tasks too quickly.
(that last part is so true! from the part about being friendly)

Lucky:
colors-white and silver
planet-Mercury
gem-diamond
number-5
day of the week-Wednesday
flower-snapdragon
tree-elder
animal-dog (yay!)
bird-parrot
metal-quicksilver

yeah i have no idea if you'll even read this far
but it was kinda fun to find out
so i hope you like it

idk

"little boys who play with fire,
get their fingers burned"

morse code, woodpeckers and my own crazy mind

so this morning
well, actually, yesterday morning
i woke up
and there was this weird tapping noise from outside my window
and i had an idea what it was
but i wanted to make sure
so i opened the blind just a little bit
and sure enough,
a big, black and white woodpecker flies off

i closed the blind again,
and lay in bed
watching the room get lighter
as the sun got higher
and then,
there was the tapping noise again

and suddenly,
my mind
my crazy, wacky mind
seems to go off of it's own accord
and i start thinking
and this is my train of thought:

what if...
we could communicate with woodpeckers
through morse code
i could be lying there in bed
before i get up for school
and a woodpecker could just fly down from a tree
and tap out
"get up already, you're going to miss the bus"
taptaptappity tap...tappitytap....tap
and i could tap back on the windowsill
"i know i know, but i'm tired!"
and then onthe weekends
we could have whole conversations
Me: "so how do you know morse code"
Bird: it's inborne
Me: wait, how do you know english
Bird: you know, i honestly don't know
i guess its just from total immersion, if you know what i mean
Me: huh, that's wierd
so anyway
my brain was continuing on this strange and bizzare train of thought
and then it came up with this:
if a guy liked you
they had to train a woodpecker to tap out
"I love you"
on your window
every weekend morning
isn't that bizzare?
I can just see some of the boys in our class
standing outside on a 5 degree morning
trying to find the right window on the house
and then having the bird fly up there
and it being the wrong window
and they get the girl's dad instead
haha, wow
i'm so weird sometimes

traitor

"come on in for the real thing"
he says
as i get up to give him a hug

i sit down again
there is another wave of goodbyes
and he walks away
gone to play basketball
or something
idk

but as i watch him go
black jacket
baseball hat
that funny way of walking
i feel like a traitor

no, that's not the right word for it
i just, i felt like there was a war going on
a very polite war, but a war just the same
she's trying to push him away
he's trying to remain steadfastly where he is

and we don't bother her about it
it was her choice
and she made it
but at the same time
we still meet with him
i facebook him
he calls and talks to mom
asks dad if there will be a wiffleball game soon

it's just a wierd feeling
like we're on a covert op.
and she might suspect that we're still in touch with him
and doesn't care
but if she actually had any hard proof
she might blow up in our faces

so we don't really talk about it with her
we let her move on
and keep our friendship with him moving
but secret
in a way
which is wierd
because she's halfway around the world now
and wouldn't be able to do much about it anyway

wasn't it easier?

wasn't it easier?
in elementary school?
when you could be mad at someone

and then walk into school the next day
and you were "bff's!"

hormones weren't a problem
they weren't even part of our vocabulary

but i have to say
that sometimes i love the more complex relationships
both romantic and friendship
that come into play in middle school
i know i've totally contradicted myself
in this blog, and the last one

but i don't care

all i'm saying is that sometimes i love them
and sometimes i hate them
right now, i happen to hate them

again, if you don't understand what the hell i've been talking about
in these last few blogs
i'm sorry
but i don't really care
just don't read them

changes

what happened?

to all the people
I felt i used to know

yes inwardly you are the same
but outwardly
whoa!
what happened?
and I know it's the inside that counts
but the outside has it's value too

after all, didn't the color of people's skin
cause a war to be fought
a horrible war that pitted brother against brother
friend against friend

what a person looks like on the outside
seperates everyone and everything
cause people to lable
and to judge you

i know i've changed too
but really
the reason makes all the difference

i mean,
i don't really care
as long as you are still my friends
but it hurts to know that everyone around you
is changing
being seen a different way
knowing you are too
and not knowing
in what new way
people now view you

i wish we could all be vampires
and read eachother's minds
because i hate! not knowing
speculating
not knowing what to do
unsure
insecure
not knowing if your friends
are truly your friends
or not
what people say about you,
behind your back
i hate it
i hate relationships
both romantic
and just friendship
don't worry
i'm not saying i hate my friends
i just hate not knowing

i'm sorry if you totally don't get what i'm talking about
but it's hard to get across what i mean
without making everyone think
that i hate them
which i totally don't (btw)

why?

why is it?
that no matter how i feel
i always want to please you

you put me down
and all i want you to do is laugh at something i've said
acknowledge that i'm your friend
that you actually enjoy my company

i don't ever register your slights
until you've gone
and it's just me

thinking back over our conversation
i wonder how i could have missed them
and how i could be so stupid

yet these moments when you do this
happen so rarely
that the moments when you are truly my friend
outnumber them seven to one

but even one time can hurt
so think before you speak

what did i ever do to you?

a well known tale

once upon a time
there was a girl
who lived with her father
her mother had died

one day
her father decided that his daughter needed a mother
so he got remarried
to a woman with two daughters
who he thought could be company for his daughter

the woman simpered and preened
her daughters were just the same

then, only a few weeks after they were married
the girl's father died
coincidence?
i think not

now the girl was immediately moved into the attic
demoted to the position of servant
in her own house

her step-family bossed her around
do this, do that

her clothes become rags
her shoes, had no soles
her hands were red and rough from cleaning

but she made friends
when she went to the market
she became friends with the fish seller
and his son
the dressmaker
and her daughter
the butcher
the baker
the candlestickmaker

more friends then she'd ever had when part of
"high society"

her life went on
her hands slowly got used to the rough work
she become stronger
she got older
and became beautiful

years passed
she turned 15, 16,17,

her step-family became worse
if possible
her sisters uglier
her mother nastier

one day, a letter arrived

"it's from the palace"
her sisters cried

"what is it?"
her mother inquired

"an invitation"
she replied
"the king is throwing a ball
and we are all invited"

her step-mother was delighted
and danced away with her sisters
already talking about what they would wear

"wait!"
cinderella called
(a name her sisters had bequeathed to her)
"it says we may all go
that means me as well"

"ah, yes, of course you may come"
replied her mother
"after you do all of your chores,
clean out the stables
cook us dinner
and trim the hedges"

cinderella thought of
the stablemaster
the cook
and the gardener

"yes, i shall do it"
she said

her family continued away from her
her sisters complaining to her mother
"why does she get to go?"

cinderella turned away
a smile lighting up her face

the ball was to take place on the night of her 18 birthday
the only reason she wanted to go
was to have a beautiful night
to celebrate

she ran to the market
to tell her friends

they were very excited for her
and made her promise to tell them everything
the dressmaker's daughter was particularly jealous
"i want to meet the prince!"
she cried
"he'll probably fall desperatly in love with you, cinders
you're so beautiful"

cinderella laughed
"you look just like me silly,
that means he would love you too!"

the night of the ball arrived
cinderella rushed around
collecting her nicest dress
white with a burn mark on the hem
oh well
she'd have to cover it somehow

she cleaned out the stables
cooked dinner
trimmed the hedge

"hurry!"
called her step-mother
"we're leaving!"

cinderella rushed upstairs to get ready
but by the time she got downstairs
their carriage had already left

she ran to the market
and fell to the ground
in front of her friends
crying
telling them what happened
the fishmaker stood her up
brushed her off
told her that he would drive her to the palace himself
in the cart that he delivered fish in

the dressmaker looked at her dress
stained brown from the dirt of the markerplace
brought her to her shop,
took a beautiful dress out of the window display
gave it to cinderella
told her it was for her to keep
"on the house"
she said, and winked

so cinderella dried her tears
thanked her friends
put on her new dress
and drove off to the palace
with the fish seller's son driving the cart

when she arrived
she sought out her step-family
but they ignored her
aghast at her arrival
in her beautiful dress

she danced with the young men
entranced by the lights
the huge rooms
the number of people

finally, the prince entered
all the young ladies crowded forward
but cinderella stayed with the man she was with
knowing that the prince would never be interested in her

but as he danced past her with someone else
he saw her
and asked to dance

flattered, she agreed
they danced one dance, two dances, three
had a good time
laughed
all without him knowing anything about her position in life

the ball ended
he kissed her hand as she left the ball

she ran to the cart
crying

the fish seller's son
asked her what was wrong

barely able to speak
she told him that she loved the prince
but that she would never see him again

the fish seller's son
gave her a hug
held her tight
told her it would be ok

asked her how she could love the prince
she'd known him for four hours
she replied that she just did
but she listened
and thought that maybe he was right
love was more than dancing with someone

he drove her home,
held her tight again
told her it would be alright
it would pass

back at the palace
the prince had decided
he must find the girl he had danced with
his father advised against it
"there were hundreds of girls at that ball
how will you find the one you want?"

I'll know her as soon as i see her"
the prince replied

he issued a proclaimation
declaring that he wanted to find a girl
he went to every house in town
knocked on the door
looked at all the women
and left

cinderella heard about his search
but discovered that she didn't care
the fish seller's son had been right
the feelings she had felt for the prince had passed

but one day
her sister's were in a tizzy

she asked them what was wrong

"the prince is comeing! coming here!"
they were extatic
cinderella was not
she didn't want him to find her
she didn't want to have to marry him

the dressmaker's daughter thought she was lucky
"i told you he'd love you cinders!
you're so lucky
i wish i could marry the prince"

cinderella had an idea
she and the dressmaker's daughter looked very similar

"you can marry the prince"
she told her friend

when the prince arrived at cinderella's house
her step-sisters danced around him
offering him tea
crumpets
their hand in marriage

he was disappointed
he still hadn't found his mystery girl
when a girl walked in
dressed in rags
holding a bucket
she proceeded to clean out the fireplace
putting the ashes in her bucket

as she got up
the prince could see the bucket was too heavy for her
he walked forward and offered to help
she looked up at him
the dressmaker's daughter smiled at the prince
but the prince was fooled
he had found the 'girl of his dreams"

he proposed on the spot
she smiled
and accepted

and they lived happily ever after
the dressmaker's daughter and the prince

while cinderella left her step-family
and married the fish seller's son
and they lived happily ever after as well

sorry

i'm sorry i keep changing my blog around

it's not satisfying me

maybe i have OCD

or CDO

haha kathy i love you

you know what i just realized?

ya'll probably don't even care

about what i do

to my stupid blog

Ti!

a blank page

a fresh beginning

anything could happen

or nothing

depending on what's going on

in that crazy mixed up place i like to call "my mind"

oh dear

oh dear oh dear oh dear

i'm dead i'm dead i'm dead i've died i'm dead

haha, i love finding nemo

grrr, i hate violin lessons

no, that's not true

i just hate practicing for them

haha ok...

yeah i don't really have anything to say today

this is one of those days where that promising blank horizen

needs to be painted black

just because the white is hurting your eyes

not because it actually is inspiring you

no seriously, i'm just typing the most random things right now

i don't even know what i've been talking about

urg, i have to go to the movies

i don't want to go to the movies

now that's going to be awkward

by a long shot

did you know:

that love is the hardest thing to describe?

especially if you've never experienced it

which makes me one of the least qualified

well, i've experienced other kinds of love

friendship

that's a type of love

family

there's another

but you all know that's not really the type of love i meant

oh dear

no

i've overused the "oh dear" thing today

and the 'i know, right?"

yeah i've said that waaayy too much lately

wow

i just wasted like five minutes writing absolutely nothing of interest

have fun reading it!

tell me if it actually made sense

cause i doubt that it really did

oh d--no! oh well

interpret this story as you will

i made it up as i went

but just think about lonely girl and blue-eyed boy

and what their story meant

once upon a time...

ok, so...
once there was this girl
just your average, run-of-the-mill girl
big brown eyes
long brown hair

she lived in the middle of this vast, gray city
thousands of people
all wearing gray
hundreds of cars
all painted gray

she hated this city

she felt compleatly alone
she had no friends

she hated this city

one day, she went to school
and everyone was talking about the new kid
lonely girl didn't care
she didn't care about anything

but then she finally saw the new kid

a boy

now don't worry
this is not your usual, boy meets girl, girl meets boy story
they don't end up falling in love

anyway, just your average, run-of-the-mill ordinary boy

but when lonely girl first saw him,
she passed him in the hall
and heard the wispers as he walked past
saw everyone turn to look at him
eager expectant looks on their pale faces
so she looked too
and at the same moment,
he looked up
their eyes met
and she saw they were a bright, and peircing blue
like ice that's just frozen
really thick ice
that cold cold blue that makes you shiver
just by looking at it

and she loved his eyes right away
because they were the first thing she'd ever seen

in her entire life

that wasn't gray

it was because of his eyes,
that she went over and talked to him
introduced herself

they became friends
lonely girl and blue-eyed boy

she liked this strange kid
he was funny
he was kind
he brought out the good side in everybody

they became not just friends
but best friends

and slowly, she began to notice more color
a man walked past in a gray suit
with a bright red flower in his buttonhole

a gray car drove past
and turned purple where the sun hit it

a green leaf fell past her window one day
an orange bird flew overhead

one day, blue-eyed boy told her they were going on a trip
she didn't know where they were going
and she didn't care
she sat in the passanger seat while he drove
and watched pale green grass roll by
and the bright blue sky always overhead
and wondered how she could possibly not have noticed these things, in her gray city

they arrived at a great meadow

a sweeping plain of grass and flowers, birds and bees

she ran out of the car
and raced with her friend through the tall grass
feeling only the cool ground beneath her bare feet

finally they slowed
and lonely girl saw that blue-eyed boy was holding something

"it's a kite"
he told her
watching her as she examined this strange new phenomenon

he showed her how to work it
and they flew it all day
he was always at her side
because the day was windy
and the kite sometimes hard to control

but after hours and hours of flying it
lonely girl decided she wanted to fly it on her own

so she told blue-eyed boy to let go
he reluctantly did
the wind was strong

she set off running
he ran behind her, holding the kite

"let go!"
she called

he let go

the kite soared upwards
flying higher and higher

lonely girl let out more string
and more string
and still more string
finally, the kite flew so high that she was left with only the spool
and the very end of the string

the string finally unwrapped all the way
and she was left with an empty spool

laughing, she threw it away
and raced after the string
finally reaching it
holding it firm once more

yet the kite was continuing to rise
the wind was strong
and lonely girl felt herself rising
her arm being pulled upward by the wayward kite

soon, too soon, she was flying above the meadow
above blue-eyed boy
above the world

she was doing what she'd always wanted

to fly away from anything and everything

away about the very clouds

and as her dream was finally fulfilled
and she looked down upon the world
spread out at her feet

lonely girl realized she was afraid of heights

dang

i really want to write a story

because everyone else has

but i can't think of anything to write about!!!

help!!!!

make up your mind

Hello? can you hear me?
because this is dedicated to you

just wanted to let you know
that i'm tired of waiting for you to make up your mind
cause you're forgetting that it's my emotion waiting in the balance

i've told you what i know
now it's time for you to tell me

and i don't care
i just want to talk

to know where we stand
and to know what's going on
because i feel out of it
even though i'm a major part of it

and i just wanted to let you know,
that i'm sick of waiting

i've told you what i know
now it's time for you to decide.

this one's on you.

listening

the other day
as i was standing and waiting for the bus
there was no wind blowing
it was about 7:00 a.m.
everything seemed compleatly silent

and then, it was like something lifted off my ears
some sort of veil that hadn't allowed me to hear correctly before

and suddenly i could hear EVERYTHING!
i could hear the bare tree branches rubbing together
i could hear the birds flying over my head
i could hear my mom talking to my dad, and she was still in the house
i could hear a little squeak from the snow as i shifted position and it was further compressed beneath my weight
i could hear cars coming, minutes before they actually appeared

i made me wonder
how much our ears must be deadened by the constant noise we create each and every day
i mean that's got to do something to them
muffle them or whatever

so i wonder, if we didn't make so much noise,
what we would actually hear.

friends

isn't it amazing how much fun you can have...doing absolutely nothing...as long as you're with your friends?
today, i had three people over (sorry to those that couldn't be there!!!)
and we didn't do anything really
we hung out and ate chocolate (and pure sugar in the case of some)
and wacked eachother with wrapping paper
and went on the computer and watched random stuff like "the office" and the sarah palin rap
it was totally awesome!

god i love my friends
seriously guys i love you
all of you
you are all so amazing